Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
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I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
smh
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
