Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’m not wrong
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS