Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”