Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last-minute gift idea!

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”