Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.