Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

🤯🤯🤯

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!