Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
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If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I stand by it
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
*looks at you in batman voice*
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.