Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.