Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
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when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
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The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Every work meeting this week
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[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.