Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

being a writer on Twitter:

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me