Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Why is everyone getting married at me

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…