Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

#Caturday

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

Acronyms got me like WTF?

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.