[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
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“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
British people be like I’m Bri ish
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.