[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
You Might Also Like
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land