CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
*frowns in Scottish*
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.