CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
sistine chapel
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.