CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please