CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me: