CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”