Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

*watches the world burn*

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂