CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
why no one uses midhusbands
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?