CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
technically true but not a great slogan
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?