[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
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Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If snakes were wide
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”