[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
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My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
some things should go without saying
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: