Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

british sex workers really pound for pound

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

Matthew was born for this.

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.