Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

Saw online –

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams