Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
nyc:
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably