Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
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[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.