Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
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I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel