Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
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Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
What the hell happened in there??
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.