Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
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*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
A tragic love story in two pictures.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Owl Sanctuary
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.