Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
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You got this…
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
first responders? you mean reply guys?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
