Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Otters see a butterfly.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.