Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
felt that
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
in 3 months
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]