Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
*limbos away from your hug*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕