Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
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7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.