Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

Note to self: always read the final line

[the middle of showering] I need a break

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.