Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
3% human
97% stress
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then