Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
no
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The sacred texts.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.