Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?