Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
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[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.