Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine
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It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
December birthdays be like…
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Orange is oranging 🟠
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs