Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

fixed it

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.