Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine
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[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back