Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
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the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
According to math, I’m broke
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
first you must answer his riddles
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.