Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
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I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself