Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bringing home a sharpie

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

If you’re testing me, we failed.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.