Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.