Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

I’d rather fork than spoon.

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

The Weeknd is back

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

Alexa, make out with the Roomba