Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan