Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual