Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
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Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead