Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

I don’t believe him.

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag