Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
You Might Also Like
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive