Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

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No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.


*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.


When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you


If a man strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown yourself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.


[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*


Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.