[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
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Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
you’re not fooling anyone
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Become ungovernable.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.