Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

Dear Lord..

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire