[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

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Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.


Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.


“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”


Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.


All of my clothes look like they’re about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I’m eating enough every time I see her.


Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.


When you ask your dog what the they’re eating and they start chewing faster.


every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me


Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom


Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?