@JohnLyonTweets: [caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
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@Browtweaten: Me: You said everything in here was edible Willy Wonka: Yes, but- Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
@roostermustache: Him: my gf left me Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea Him: yeah but- Me: also a squirrel Him: ...what Me: and a sponge in a pineapple
@BradBroaddus: DOCTOR: "I'm calling to notify you of your outstanding balance." ME: "Thanks! I do yoga." DOCTOR:........