@JohnLyonTweets

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

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@MatCro

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

@IAmKatieOrr

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

@JPLFR80

Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.

@ComedicBust

All of my clothes look like they’re about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I’m eating enough every time I see her.

@KentWGraham

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

@_youhadonejob1

When you ask your dog what the they’re eating and they start chewing faster.

@relatabledad

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

@timdonakowski

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?