[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
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DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.