Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
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CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
dutch is not a serious language
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Challenge accepted.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.