Cauliflower has a good publicist.
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EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
What if all the cashiers are married?
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?