Cauliflower has a good publicist.
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?