Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

I’m giving up for Lent.

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy