Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

There needs to be at least ONE more Nightmare on Elm Street film so that Freddy can invade a comic book nerd’s dream, dress up as Deadpool, and refer to himself as “Fredpool.”

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Fruity

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat