[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.