today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
My birth announcement for our third baby
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
real
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”