Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
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Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
