Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

If you love someone, let them sleep.

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Breaking news:

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer