Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Danger is very dangerous

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.