Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing