Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
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As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Dune (2021)
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too