Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.