Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

🤣🤣🤣

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.