Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.