Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.